Gender specific insults

So earlier today some lady on the road really pissed me off. Being human, I mentally shouted a slur at her as I swerved past.  Afterwards I realized that the slur I had mentally shouted had been a sexualized slur. I did it unconsciously, not actually giving any thought to this woman or her sexuality, but nonetheless I realized this after the fact.

Have you ever realized how sexualized insults are in American English? I wonder if it’s a cultural thing. I studied German back in university and I remember that a lot more of their insults revolved around cleanliness. Sure they had sexual insults, but you would never hear an American calling someone filthy swine.

It seems that in my culture when you want to insult a woman, you make some claim about her sexuality and promiscuity. When you want to insult a man, you make some comment about his manhood, usually equating him to being a woman. What gives? I know patriarchal Victorian attitudes about sex and gender roles are at the heart of it, but I’m dismayed that such attitudes have survived subconsciously in our language.

Driving in that car, I had no grounds from which to speculate as to the other driver’s sexuality or promiscuity. I’m a little ashamed that I automatically mentally spit out such an insult. At least it provided me with some food for thought. I’m going to have to work to undo the subconscious societal training and come up with more creative, gender neutral insults for idiots.

Roleplaying as a woman

Whenever I get the chance to roleplay, I enjoy being a female character. I’m a straight male and I’ve very comfortable in my gender and sex; I just enjoy exploring different gender dynamics. Roleplaying as a woman also gives me a chance to escape the default male privilege and experience a world through the opposite gender. I’m aware of male privilege in this world, and I recognize when something like a commercial or product is constructed in a way that assumes a male consumer, but most of the time all I can do is recognize it; playing as a woman lets me get on the other end of it.

Roleplaying as the opposite gender, while fun, can be challenging. When I first started trying this, my ex, an experienced roleplayer, warned me that she’d often seen guys try to play as the opposite gender, only to descend into very heterosexual male fantasies about lesbians. The characters they are playing are female, but the players and their actions were most definitely male. I try my best to avoid this, even creating relationships with male characters, but I’m not perfect. From time to time I’ll see an attractive female NPC and think “dang, she’s good looking, wonder if….oh wait…” I’ve also noticed that male players who play female characters often have their characters fall into one of two stereotypes: cold bitch or temptress slut. I also avoid this as I feel it is a misogynistic generalization of women, damning them to two equally unfair and unrealistic archetypes.  Trying to get inside the head of a character of another gender is really hard to do, but I feel it is a lot more interesting than just playing your normal self with all your gender specific baggage.

Currently I’m playing Fallout New Vegas. My character is an independent drifter woman named Afya. (Afya is actually a character I’ve played for a while before, but in another roleplaying game. She’s always been chaotic good)

 

Normally I don’t care much for very gender deterministic clothing like this pink dress, I just liked the contrast between the inferred domesticity and the huge fucking missile launcher.

Sexist Dodge Charger Superbowl Ad

I’m pretty sure by now almost everyone has seen this ad by Dodge aired during the 2010 superbowl:

Ok, so lets recap on the things that men are supposed to be surrendering to do in exchange for driving the car they want:

I will walk the dog, I will eat fruit as part of my breakfast, I will shave and clean the sink after I shave, I will be at work by 8 am

[Ok, these things are just basic responsibility issues. You’re supposed to be an adult. What? Without your wife nagging you to be a mature, responsible person you would not walk the dog, you would not try to eat right, you would not clean up your mess, and you would not get to work on time? Way to go.]

I will sit through 2 hour meetings

[Ok, that’s just part of your job, how are women responsible for this? You’re in control of your own life, don’t like your job? Quit and get a new one, but don’t try and blame others for your unhappiness]

I will say “yes” when you want me to say “yes”

I will be quiet when you don’t want to hear me say “no”

[Somebody has honestly and trust issues in their relationship…]

I will take your call

[That’s just being courteous. You wouldn’t be courteous without nagging? If she’s calling too much, then use a little thing called communication and talk to her about it for a change.]

I will listen to your opinion of my friends

I will listen to your friends’ opinions of my friends

[Again, communication! Any maybe you should start evaluating why you’re in a relationship with this person if they don’t like who you associate with]

I will be civil to your mother

[I guess courtesy is just something men do because they’re forced to by women, for without women they would all manners and social skills /sarcasm]

I will put the seat down

[Oh heavens! I can’t just only ever think of myself!?!? I have to consider that other people might live in the house too?!?! Gah! I can’t take this courtesy thing!!!]

I will separate the recycling

[Yeah, real men don’t give a shit about the environment or recycling!]

I will carry your lip balm

[Really? How often do women ask men to carry a small tube of lip balm? And if she does happen to not have any pockets or a purse, what’s the big deal? It’s not like she’s asking you to carry a pink umbrella.]

I will watch your vampire TV shows with you

[Ok, seriously, communication. I bet she does things with you that she’s not overly fond of. Relationships are about compromise. Try and find something you like to do together or get out of the relationship. It’s not all just about you.]

I will take my socks off before getting into bed

[Really? This is an issue in your relationship? Talk to her about it! Make her see that’s it’s not a big deal. If wearing socks to bed is a deal breaker, then there are more important things wrong in your relationship]

I will put my underwear in the basket

[As opposed to what? leaving them on the floor for other people to pick up? You’re an adult, take responsibility for your own mess.]

As you can see, this entire commercial is about men shifting the blame for being stuck in an unhappy relationship, a boring job, and having to be responsible onto women. “I’m too lazy and immature to take control of my life, so I’m going to blame women for trapping me…” Is this seriously what Dodge is telling us men are? No thank you.

Men and Feminism?

Today I went to a talk on rhetoric and literature which turned into a very fascinating conversation on feminism and pop culture. The room had around 20-25 people in it, and I was 1 of 3-4 men present. The entire time feminism was being discussed I was very nervous and uneasy.

I felt this way for a number of reasons. For one, being a male, I felt like the historical “bad guy” for feminism. For centuries men have oppressed women all over the planet. They’ve beaten them, raped them, denied them economic and educational opportunities, barred them from political power, and treated them merely as objects that existed solely for their pleasure.

I had this all over my head; I was ashamed and disgusted by the way men have treated women in the past. While I sat there quietly, unsure of my place in this discussion, I could not help but think how I was not those men, how I wanted to help. But how? How can I as a man help feminists? Is that even a valid question to ask? I don’t want to imply that women need my help as a man.

All I know is that I want to be part of the solution. That statement, however, assumes that I even have a part. As obvious as this may sound, a lot of feminism is strictly women only. This “minority space” is just somewhere I can’t go as a white male. It’s important that women have this private space to themselves to be able to exchange ideas and experiences. So then that begs the question “what spaces within feminism are not minority spaces, and can men be apart of them?”

All of these questions and then further questions about the assumptions behind the original questions paralyzed me in that room. Here I was, a willing ally yet a member of the old enemy, but so unsure of everything that I couldn’t talk. I didn’t, I don’t, want them to look at me like the enemy. The only thing I could manage to do to try and stave off those assumptions was to raise my hand and express my lament at the video game industry being a bastion for misogyny.

I tried to convey my displeasure with the unrealistic and extremely sexist way women are portrayed in most video games. I tried feebly to mention some of the points I made in this post about sexism in games. How I can count strong, competent female main characters on one hand, how most women in games suffer from the “women and refrigerators” syndrome, or “white man saves the day” scenarios, and how millions of young boys are growing up with these twisted views of women.

After I managed to get that out without tripping over my anxiety too badly I felt a little better. At least now I hoped they would see that I was aware, and making an effort, and was not to be thought of as the enemy.

It’s only now while writing this that I realize the whole “as the enemy” thing can be misconstrued as “man hating feminist”.  I assure you that’s not what I mean. I realize that it is important to choose my words carefully. There are so many assumptions that I used to take for granted, I can easily see how other men could be intimidated.

I had all these questions but I didn’t want to ask anyone at the talk. Not only was I not sure if it was the right time to ask, but I wasn’t sure if I could ask in the first place. I do know that it’s bad for men to go on feminist forums and post “I don’t understand X, so teach me!” It’s not the job of the women on those sites to take the time out of their day to teach you when you should go do the research yourself. My problem is not on the concepts and theories, but where I fit into it all. To add to my confusion there is controversy on both sides of this question as well. Some want men out all together, others want to include them on some things.

I would imagine that if feminism’s goals are going to stick, then the behaviors and assumptions of the men perpetuating the problems are going to have to be addressed. That will require women to engage with men on some level to try and deal with these problems. I just don’t know what part I can play in that engagement, or in engagement with other men on the issues.

What it means to be a man and feminism

As a guy, I’m constantly under a barrage of peer and media pressure to conform to the perceived “norm” of masculinity. Living with a large group of guys for the past year really got me thinking about what this perceived norm is, and how it is expressed, especially in relation to the treatment of women.

Once I started examine “what it means to be a man” I found myself becoming progressively more disgusted. I have a hunch that many guys feel the same way I do about the stereotypes of manliness, but unfortunately the pressures to conform are so great, very few speak out. This in turn leads the really chauvinistic guys to think they are normal. There are a lot of twisted assumptions that won’t get better until normal men stand up and say something. That’s what I’m trying to do.

So what are these stereotypes? Well there are a lot of them. I think a good example is the facebook group “Men“. They have common interests as:

“Guns (okay, weapons in general), food (red meat, or prepared by women), beer, cars (fast or big, mean or sexy), chest hair, war (movies or otherwise), pain, sports, fire, sleep, not asking for directions, face melting guitar riffs, blood and sweat (not tears), big dogs, speeding, pipes and cigars, tattoos, gambling, fight clubs, blowing things up, rational thought and discourse, irrational activities and actions, and never being wrong”

So according to this facebook group with 200,000+ members, being a man means to be stoic, conceited, prideful, and reckless with your health. I’m not surprised that women live on average 5 years longer than men.

I think a really horrible set of commercials that also illustrate some of these stereotypes are the Milwaukee’s Best Commercials:

Male stereotypes with regards to women are equally bad. The feminist movement has been trying hard over the years to correct these stereotypes, but the improvements won’t stick until normal guys start taking a stand against those stereotypes. Unfortunately, a lot of guys are turned off by feminism. They don’t understand it and they see it as a threat to their comfortable lives.

The best way I heard feminism described was as “the radical idea that women are people too.” Now there is obviously more to it than that, but I think that that sums up a lot.

I think a lot of guys also feel that feminists are just man-hating lesbians that want to eradicate men from the planet. While those fringe people exist, just like all groups have fringe people, the majority of feminists are normal people who just wanted to be treated with the same level of respect and dignity as everybody else.

As I’ve matured I’ve started to become more aware of just how much sexism there is in our society. The majority of guys probably don’t even realize it, the consider much of it normal. But if you pay attention you can easily spot it.

Take this ad for example:

Can you spot it? Only women do laundry? Ads like this are very common. Usually it is some sort of domestic product and it is almost always a woman using it. Are men incapable of doing housework?

Sexism in movies and video games are just as prolific. Think of how many movies/video games there are with competent women as the main character. Someone who does not need a white male to swoop in and save the day in some capacity. You can probably count them on your hands. Out of the ones you can think of, how many of those women are clearly there as sex objects? (Tomb raider, Cat woman, Elektra, etc)

The majority of movies assume the viewer is a white male, and women usually exist as secondary characters or as plot devices to give the main male character motive. One of my favorite movies for example, The Jackal has a really kick ass Russian woman going along helping the main character (a white male) until she is just killed off towards the end of the movie in a stupid attempt to give the male more motive to kill the bad guy.

This syndrome is called “Women in Refrigerators“,  when a female character is injured, killed, or depowered as a plot device, usually for the benefit of a man. This perpetuates the concept of women as objects, things to be used and discarded at will.

I think any sensible person who sees women as human beings would be rightly disgusted by this concept. I sure am. What’s worse is some men still feel violence is an acceptable way of getting what they want. Take this sick poster for example:

I have to wonder about these guys. Does hurting her make you feel like a man? What is wrong in your life when you feel it is right to use physical harm as a way to get what you want?

(Side-note)

Speaking of violence, back to stereotypes about masculinity for a moment, I can’t stand it when guys feel the need to fight each other, especially over women. Granted, they usually do this while drunk, but it is really immature. It makes you look like nothing but unintelligent brutes.

(/side-note)

I think a lot of men are scared off by feminism because it means having to give up some [unfairly] held privileges and assumptions. Assumptions like the woman should be the ones who do the cooking and cleaning, the ones to give up their careers to raise a family, and deffer to the man’s judgment in most situations.

Usually a lot of guys aren’t even aware of how some of the things they are saying might come across as sexist. Google “Anti-feminist bingo”, you’ll find a card that looks like this. On it are some common misconceptions and arguments:

Once you get past these fears and common misconceptions, treating women equally, as people, really isn’t that scary! There are a lot of benefits that come with healthy egalitarian relationships. It also opens up a whole new world of possibilities for men.

So what do I think it means to be a man? Well, I think that’s a loaded question. Characteristics like dependability, ingenuity, strength, honor, and integrity are not uniquely masculine. A better question would be what do I think it means to be human.