It’s no secret that I’m not really happy with who I am as a person. I’m overweight, have poor sartorial style, lack wittiness, am generally introverted, and often find that I’m a third wheel to conversations. Most importantly, I have no passion for anything.
I’ve been working on the weight thing for a while. I’ve been keeping to a specialty diet for over a month now and am down about 20lbs. I’m going to stay at it until I have a six pack. I’m hoping that this summer will be the first summer that I will feel comfortable in a bathing suit. The sartorial issue is linked to the clothes, as once I lose the weight, I’ll go out and buy nicer clothes.
I think the introvertedness and social awkwardness is also linked to the weight issue. I feel that being in better shape will open the doors to many social situations that I’m currently excluded from. This will bring more self confidence and people will be more apt to include me in there conversations. Hell, people might actually even be interested in me.
But perhaps the most pressing issue for me right now is my lack of passion. I know I’ve written on this before, but it’s been about two years since I lost my passion for everything. I have yet to get it back. I miss being constantly absorbed in something. I used to live and breath history. It was at least half of what I spend my time thinking about.
Now I spend the majority of my time thinking about politics and atheism. I would say those are my two passions, but they’re not. I’m burned out on both of them. I’m too cynical about politics to pursue a career in it. I pay attention to what’s going on, but from afar. As for atheism, I feel very much post-atheism. Yeah, I’m an atheist. So what? I don’t get any pleasure from debating religion. In fact, it’s something I actively try to avoid. I just end up getting angry and frustrated with nothing to show for it.
So the two things I spend the majority of my time thinking about don’t make me happy. Ok, so what doe I enjoy? What are some of the things I’m interested in?
Art. I like making things. Though this feeling has slowly waned in the past year.
Computer games. I enjoy them, but I’m not overly passionate about them. I don’t know how I could use that to get me a career or to impress women.
Computers? Meh, I really couldn’t care less honestly. I just picked it up as some way to make money. Talking hardware specs doesn’t get me excited. I just needed some useful skill that I could use to put food on the table.
Hacking? This interests me a bit, but I don’t have the pull to spend all my time working on it.
Traveling? I guess this is the closest thing I have resembling a passion. I want to travel the world. I want to spend my life seeing extraordinary things. I want to be an interesting and eccentric person with a sea plane, flying around on adventures.
Yet I’m not really sure how to make this happen. I don’t spend all my time looking at maps, or discovering places to travel to. Perhaps I should start more.
The big problem I have is that when I find a subject that I think is interesting, I always feel as if other people were there first, that other people in my social circles have claimed that subject as “theirs” and thus I would simply be a copy-cat. Not genuine. Not unique. Not me.
Ex: Oh, you already claimed “programming” as your thing? Guess I can’t do that then. I don’t want to be competing with you, don’t want to be perceived as trying to *be* you. I realize this is silly. There is nothing new under the sun. There are going to be people in every field that I get interested in. I have to be able to assert myself, ignore them, and tell myself that I’m awesome. If only I could do that…
I want to have worth, I want to be in shape, I want to have a passion that I’m knowledgeable on and that other people find interesting, I want to be more out going, I want to have people want to spend time with me. I often get the feeling that if I just cut off contact from everyone I know, nobody would notice. Nobody would call, nobody would bother.