Schmetterling

17 Nov

I’m going to crawl into a cocoon.

Right now I feel like an ugly and broken caterpillar. Since my breakup I’ve really tried to put myself out there. I’ve been trying to meet people and make new friends. I’ve been doing anything I can to try and keep my greatest fear at bay: Being alone. I haven’t been very successful.

I don’t know when I became so afraid of being alone. I used to not mind it. I used to expect it and sometimes even enjoy it. I guess that’s before I fell in love. Now that that, and everything else is gone, being alone terrifies me. It’s a constant reminder of my pain.

I’ve been desperate to avoid that pain. It’s just too much and it drives me to do things I never thought I’d do. I surprise myself sometimes to the point that I don’t even know myself anymore. Each night has been a mission to not be alone. “Who am I going to see tonight?” becomes the question everyday. Who am I going to see to stave off that feeling of being unwanted, unloved, and alone. That mission would consume me some days. Sending out mass texts to multiple people, hoping someone would bite. I’ve come to see it as a number’s game and I’m playing the odds. Sometimes I’d even spend hours driving to far away cities just to have dinner with someone. Anything not to forget the hurt for an hour or so.

The results: I’ve met a handful of people, two of which have stuck, but I only see them now and then. The rest I never really hear from. I never really hear from anyone nowadays. I reactivated my facebook in order to use an app for meeting people. In the process I cleaned it up to just the people I actually interact with from time to time. As a result, I’ve got about 20 “friends” on facebook, the number of which I actually talk to semi-regularly I can count on one hand. I went through my google/phone contacts today and deleted all but 20 people.

I’ve tried interacting with a lot of people. The result just makes me feel all the more broken and unwanted . I downloaded an app on my phone where people make snap judgments on whether or not to talk to you based on your picture and the only interest I get is from people who are very physically unappealing. My housemate, on the other hand, uses the same app and is regularly juggling several different extremely attractive people. Since the app is based solely on looks and not on personality or charisma, this tells me that I’m not physically appealing in the least. I don’t even get any response from “average” looking girls.

I’ve met with extremely limited success in my efforts to hangout with new people. I’ll be chatting with them, either online, over the phone, or in person, but every time I suggest actually getting together to do something, it all falls flat. Regardless of how long I’ve been talking to them or the situation. Almost nobody wants to hang out with me. It’s like me even showing interest in hanging out with them is a demonstration that I think myself of a lower value then them and thus wish to associate myself with them.

I was never really into the whole “Pickup Artists” thing, but I had a friend once who was. He showed me a lot of things that I still think about from time to time. One of which is the concept of “Higher Value” vs “Lower Value”. Certain things are DHV (demonstration of higher value) and DLV (demonstration of lower value). People naturally want to be higher value and so they seek to associate with people they perceive as higher value. Doing something that is a DLV (in my case asking someone if they would like to hang out) subconsciously shows that you believe yourself to be beneath that person. Instead you’re supposed to do things that DHV, like be busy, make plans and break them, be hard to reach, always have somewhere to be. This will make the other person feel like they have to fight for your attention and will keep them coming to you. I’ve tried that but I can’t even turn people down because nobody asks in the first place.

This tells me that I’m not interesting enough, funny enough, cool enough, etc for people to want to hang out with me in the first place. I try to be all those things. I go on crazy solo adventures across the country, but even that’s not interesting enough for people to want to hang out with me.

And so I quit.

I’m not going to try to meet anyone anymore. I’m not going to put up walls if someone does want to see me, but I doubt that will happen given my previous experiences.

Instead I’m going to crawl into a cocoon.

I’m going to try and focus all my time and energy on myself, for clearly I’m and ugly, uninteresting and broken person.

I’m going to focus on eating right, going to the gym, and getting out of SC asap. (I’ve got a plan in the works for the latter)

I deleted all those social apps from my phone, I’ve closed all my dating site profiles and canceled my memberships.

I’m going to cocoon up and then fly away.