I want to reinvent myself but I don’t know how

27 Mar

It’s no secret that I’m not really happy with who I am as a person. I’m overweight, have poor sartorial style, lack wittiness, am generally introverted, and often find that I’m a third wheel to conversations.  Most importantly, I have no passion for anything.

I’ve been working on the weight thing for a while. I’ve been keeping to a specialty diet for over a month now and am down about 20lbs. I’m going to stay at it until I have a six pack. I’m hoping that this summer will be the first summer that I will feel comfortable in a bathing suit. The sartorial issue is linked to the clothes, as once I lose the weight, I’ll go out and buy nicer clothes.

I think the introvertedness and social awkwardness is also linked to the weight issue. I feel that being in better shape will open the doors to many social situations that I’m currently excluded from. This will bring more self confidence and people will be more apt to include me in there conversations. Hell, people might actually even be interested in me.

But perhaps the most pressing issue for me right now is my lack of passion. I know I’ve written on this before, but it’s been about two years since I lost my passion for everything. I have yet to get it back. I miss being constantly absorbed in something. I used to live and breath history. It was at least half of what I spend my time thinking about.

Now I spend the majority of my time thinking about politics and atheism. I would say those are my two passions, but they’re not. I’m burned out on both of them. I’m too cynical about politics to pursue a career in it. I pay attention to what’s going on, but from afar. As for atheism, I feel very much post-atheism. Yeah, I’m an atheist. So what? I don’t get any pleasure from debating religion. In fact, it’s something I actively try to avoid. I just end up getting angry and frustrated with nothing to show for it.

So the two things I spend the majority of my time thinking about don’t make me happy. Ok, so what doe I enjoy? What are some of the things I’m interested in?

Art. I like making things. Though this feeling has slowly waned in the past year.

Computer games. I enjoy them, but I’m not overly passionate about them. I don’t know how I could use that to get me a career or to impress women.

Computers? Meh, I really couldn’t care less honestly. I just picked it up as some way to make money. Talking hardware specs doesn’t get me excited. I just needed some useful skill that I could use to put food on the table.

Hacking? This interests me a bit, but I don’t have the pull to spend all my time working on it.

Traveling? I guess this is the closest thing I have resembling a passion. I want to travel the world. I want to spend my life seeing extraordinary things. I want to be an interesting and eccentric person with a sea plane, flying around on adventures.

Yet I’m not really sure how to make this happen. I don’t spend all my time looking at maps, or discovering places to travel to. Perhaps I should start more.

The big problem I have is that when I find a subject that I think is interesting, I always feel as if other people were there first, that other people in my social circles have claimed that subject as “theirs” and thus I would simply be a copy-cat. Not genuine. Not unique. Not me.

Ex: Oh, you already claimed “programming” as your thing? Guess I can’t do that then. I don’t want to be competing with you, don’t want to be perceived as trying to *be* you. I realize this is silly. There is nothing new under the sun. There are going to be people in every field that I get interested in. I have to be able to assert myself, ignore them, and tell myself that I’m awesome. If only I could do that…

I want to have worth, I want to be in shape, I want to have a passion that I’m knowledgeable on and that other people find interesting, I want to be more out going, I want to have people want to spend time with me. I often get the feeling that if I just cut off contact from everyone I know, nobody would notice. Nobody would call, nobody would bother.


6 Responses to “I want to reinvent myself but I don’t know how”

  1. Angela March 27, 2012 at 5:31 pm #

    I would notice. I’ve been in love with your blog for a very long time.
    I like everything about you, Mr. Paladin. Wanting to lose weight for the sake of your health is fine, but you shouldn’t change yourself to be accepted. You just need to find someone like me 🙂 who likes you the way you are.
    And for the record introverts are the best.

  2. onefuriousllama March 28, 2012 at 3:12 am #

    Angela is of course correct. It might be easier said than done but you’ve got to care less about what other people think and do what works for you.

    Just because somebody you know is interested in something doesn’t mean they have or even want a monopoly on it.

    Programming? I love programming. I have a bunch of friends who program. I have a friend in particular who’s so much better at programming than I am that it should be depressing. But it’s not. I enjoy reading his code.

    Photography? Love it! Not the best at it nor do I care to be. All my work friends are big into photography. It’s fun.

    You love travelling? Then travel 🙂 Go somewhere awesome. Take a risk! Come to New Zealand for a while. Camper van Australia and backpack Europe. Amsterdam in particular is really awesome.

    Do something you’re terrified of. Do things that make you uncomfortable.

    Skydiving! It’s life changing and life affirming. Bungee jumping too (it was invented here you know). Look death in the eye… and spit!

    Be awesome! Be awesome today!

    • godlesspaladin March 28, 2012 at 9:16 am #

      You’re in NZ? Awesome! My goal is the move to OZ by the end of the year. I really want to hop over and explore NZ when I’m down there. And I actually already bought a ticket to go skydiving. I’m scared to death of heights. I’m just waiting till the weather warms up.

  3. onefuriousllama March 28, 2012 at 1:23 pm #

    Sydney is great but I’ve heard Melbourne is better (I haven’t been there yet).

    And yea, I live in awesome Auckland, the greatest little city in all the world.

    The first jump, while terrifying, isn’t The Most Terrifying (that’s the second jump…) but it’s the most life affirming think you’ll ever do. It’s freaking aaaawesome 🙂 You can’t describe to somebody what it’s like… you just have to give it a go.

  4. Ness April 6, 2012 at 1:31 am #

    I’m in NZ too now, Auckland! And really loving it. Still waiting to be able to work though. It’s hard but it’s been the change I’ve wanted so badly, as outlined in your own post. I sincerely wish you the best in your adventure, I know how much it matters.

  5. tteamy April 12, 2012 at 8:09 pm #

    try going to an anime convention. the ones in columbia are fairly cheap & most people are welcoming, no matter how you look. you dont have to dress up to fit in. you can easily start a business making props or even armor for cosplayers, many people want to make super awesome costumes that require crafting skills for armor, but dont know how to start looking for materials, let alone how to start crafting & piecing it together.

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