You break it, you buy it.

28 Jan

Sometimes I like to fantasize about what America would look like if hypothetically every liberal/progressive just laid down their arms and let the conservatives have 100% of what they wanted, including the crazy shit. Now obviously there is a spectrum of conservatism, and some conservatives have more wacky ideas than others, but by the way Huntsman has been soundly squashed in all the primary races, we can pretty safely assume that the whole of the conservative movement in America is bat-shit insane. So taken as a whole, what would be some of the things they enforced?

First off, lets get human rights out of the way:

Ban on abortion, including in the cases of rape, incest, and where the mother’s life is at risk. (Like the abortion Santorum’s wife had to save her life)

Ban on contraception. (Because, you know, sex is only for reproduction and it’s a sin to stop Jesus’ plan for your womb)

Ban on being gay, period. Forget about getting married, having legal equality, or even the ability to consider yourself human. “Get back in the fucking closet you filthy fag.”

While we’re at it, we might as well bring back Jim Crow laws, because you know, “those lazy niggers are all on drugs, welfare and vote democrat, so they don’t need to be voting in the first place.”

Continuing that train of thought, let’s turn the border between Mexico and the US into a DMZ like the one that separates North Korea and South Korea. “I’d like to see those dirty Mexicans try to hop across a mine field. ” Once the boarder is shut off, lets go around in trucks and round up all the Hispanic/Latinos we can find and ship them back to Mexico. (Never mind if that’s not where they’re from.) How do you say “Papieren bitte” en Espanol?

Death penalty for drug offenders. Because as you know, the death penalty is a perfect crime deterrent. People who commit crimes often stop and think “hmm, I shouldn’t do this because I might get the death penalty.” Newt Gingrich is right, Singapore’s draconian laws requiring the death sentence are a model of justice. As a matter of fact, perhaps America would be a much safer and just place if the death penalty was expanded to cover more types of crimes. Clearly the other countries that do that are at the peak of human development and well-being.

Lastly, lets not forget about protesters low level terrorists. Thankfully, our conservative congress and “conservative in all but name” president passed the National Defense Authorization Act that allows for any American citizen to be indefinitely detained without trial or a lawyer at the mere assertion that they’re a terrorist! Yipee! 6th Amendment we can finally start locking up these fucking hippies and union workers.

Shut down superfluous agencies

We can finally get rid of the EPA, FDA, and department of Education, interior, commerce, energy, and housing and go back to the good ol’ days!

(If you’re not rich enough to afford private education for your children, or to make sure that the food/water/medicine you take won’t kill you, then you’re probably a criminal anyways, so kindly fuck off and die.)

With the department of education gone, school boards across America will finally be free to pick what facts/realities/versions of history they like best and teach their children accordingly.

We can finally get evolution out of the classroom science out of the school and skip over uncomfortable topics like slavery, the treatment of Native Americans, and the liberal religious backgrounds of our founding fathers.

Speaking of religion:

Institutionalize Christianity as the state religion

We all know in our hearts that the founding fathers were Christian evangelicals of the Jerry Falwell variety. Now that the libs and progressives have stopped fighting, we can finally cement Christianity as the official and sole religion of the USA. The first Amendment will finally be understood for what it is: establishing Jesus as the lord and master of America. We can have mandatory school prayer back and we can institute religious tests for those running for public office. (Because we all know that every authority figure that’s had a strong relationship with Jesus has never turned out to be corrupt or misuse their power)

Invade all the things!

Manifest destiny preached that it was America’s God given quest to conquer from sea to shining sea, but why should that stop at Hawaii? You can say what you like, but we own this motherfucking planet bitches. This time, we’ll start with Iran.

Wouldn’t America be a utopia if conservatives got everything they asked for?


But seriously folks, what would America be like if all of this shit came to fruition? The place would turn into a theocratic police state of a hell-whole, which finally brings me to the whole point of this post:

You break it, you buy it.

Pretend we let the conservatives have everything they wanted, pretend they did this and turned the country into the above described house of horrors. When all was said and done, do you think they’d stop and go “Oh….shit…..I’m sorry, my bad.”

No way in hell.

The problem with these people is that, for all their pontificating on responsibility, they will never take responsibility for their mistakes. Instead they will hold fast to their delusions till the end, and seek scapegoats to point out for the reason the whole thing failed. They will NEVER entertain the idea that they could have been wrong. It’s a level of paranoia and delusion on a scale that was beautifully shown in the film “Downfall:”

So the question is, what do you do? They will never stop fighting to get what they want, but when they have it and it blows up in their face, they will always point to another and scream “You! You did this!”

One Response to “You break it, you buy it.”

  1. Mister_Higgins January 29, 2012 at 1:31 am #

    Here is the thing, more welfare programs and funding for them actually were passed during a republican controlled government. Let that sink in. This may be a shock, but the stuff which conservatives say would never, NEVER get passed in this day and age. It is simply rhetoric which politicians say in order to garner votes. Even if these sort of things were passed we have a system (the courts) where they can be challenged and often is successfully (look at any number of court cases which gave unpopular opinions). Politicians are in it (both liberal and conservative) for their own gain. It is exactly like panem et circenses. Basically politicians say these things to get their name out there (see Newt’s Moon Base) and to garner votes to line their pockets or for them to gain more power.

    What we need is a new type of candidate who basically will just say look, I can be up here spouting crap that I won’t actually be able to do that is crazy, or I can tell you the truth. The problem is that people hate hearing the truth from people and will always go with the crazy idea because hey the crazy idea is fun and exciting.

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