More diary crap

30 Sep

Hey totally not private internet diary, how’s it going. It’s almost 3am again and I can’t sleep; feel the best thing to do is just write what’s on my mind till I fall asleep. None of it will be coherent but here it goes.

Writing to music: Sometimes I enjoy it, other times I can’t concentrate if it’s playing. When I do write and listen to music, it almost always has to be music without singing. I get distracted trying to hear the words. When I’m writing the music I listen to depends on my mood and the mood of the piece I’m typing up. Sometimes I’ll play a song on repeat over and over again while writing. I’m not consciously listening to the song, but it helps evoke a mood or emotion within me and playing it constantly helps me keep the mindset all throughout writing. For example, one of the songs I’ve been listening to a lot while writing is this:

It puts me into a thoughtful, somewhat somber mood. Other times my music choices will change depending on the subject matter I’m dealing with. Back in college when I was writing history papers, I’d often play music of the cultures I was writing about. For example, when I was writing my thesis on Anglo-French relations in the reconstruction of post-Nazi Germany, I listened to a lot of Edith Pilaf. Other times, when I was pulling an all nighter to get a paper done, I’d listen to trance to keep my energy pumping. It really got me going as I’d be plowing through my paper, getting stuff done at 4 am, hopped up on caffeine and a strong beat. I know most people don’t associate history with techno music, but it made it fun for me.

My memory’s been particularly bad lately. I’m forgetting all sorts of things. I forgot my check card pin. Tried a couple of combinations, kept getting denied. I even forgot some of my online passwords. Don’t know what’s happening to me. My memories of my ex are also starting to fade. Sometimes I can remember them, but other times I can’t really see her face. It’s been months since she’s talked to me. Her birthday is coming up. I want to send her a card, or be there to celebrate with her (it’s her 21st), but she asked me not to contact her until she contacts me, so I’m respecting her wishes, as much as it hurts. I’m not exactly sure what’s happened, but I’m afraid my mind is going to create false memories to try and fill in that gap. I don’t want to unconsciously conjure up a false history to explain why she changed, left me, and severed all lines of communication, but it’s hard not to do when you’re not quite sure why everything fell apart. Moving on before I make myself depressed.

I realized that when I find something that I’m interested in, I have trouble doing anything else until I’ve completed it. I kinda dropped out of the internet sphere the past 2 weeks because I was constantly listening to Atlas Shrugged on audio books, or replaying Mass Effect 2. I spent the past 4 days doing almost nothing but playing that game, plowing through it. Around midnight last night I got close to the end of the game and decided to just go ahead and beat it. When I finished it was 6am…. >.< I don’t know why I’m not able to take things piece by piece instead of doing it all at once.

Still no job. Tried several different places. My best friend is having similar luck. I got a call from a staffing agency in Dallas, TX telling me they had a position in Lynchburg, VA lasting 2 months, and paying minimum wage copying papers. Why would I relocate 6 hours north just to work a job that wouldn’t even pay enough for me to get a place to live in? It makes me depressed that after all my education and hard work I’m only getting offers that high school dropouts could preform. My college had the gall to send me a letter asking for a donation. Why the fuck are they sending recent grads letters asking for donations? Don’t they know none of us have jobs, that the degree’s we’ve paid thousands of dollars for already aren’t helping at all? They should have just pretended to send out letters and not done it. The money they spent in those mailings is probably a lot more than what they’re going to get back from us unemployed forlorn graduates.

That’s all for now, I’m tired. Maybe I’ll add more when I wake up, if I’m still in the mood for this.

*EDIT* 1pm, up, walked the dogs, took a shower, got more stuff to talk about.

The dogs really piss me off sometimes. I love them dearly, but sometimes I wonder who’s walking who. First thing when I wake up, they’re looking at me, wanting to go on a walk. They harass me constantly until I take them. I can’t take a shower, I can’t eat breakfast, I can’t do anything until I take them for a walk. The moment we finally get home, me covered in sweat, they keep harassing me until I give them each a cookie. They don’t want me to put the leashes up first, they don’t want to get a drink of water first, I can’t even get a drink of water first, they just want the damn cookie. It really puts me in an irritable mood and shortens my fuse. Sometimes I’ll take extra time loading songs onto my ipod before I take them, just so they can sit there and squirm.

I hate the tv show LOST. I hate that and Dancing with the Stars. I can’t really explain why I hate them, but I just associate them with the culture of America, along with walmart, fast food, fat people, and no healthcare. <.< Odd mix I know.

2 Responses to “More diary crap”

  1. Brian September 30, 2010 at 3:26 pm #

    I know you were thinking about moving away. Any motion on that front?

    • godlesspaladin September 30, 2010 at 6:09 pm #

      Nope, still no luck, still trapped.

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