Is this what going insane feels like?

16 Sep

Last night I stayed up too late again. When I crawled into bed I knew I was going to sleep to some ridiculously late hour.  Upon closing my eyes and having a dream about a steampunk submarine, a dirigible, and some evil holocaust style experiments, I awoke and my cell phone reported the time of 12:07pm. The chemicals have been flowing through me today. At times I’ve felt happy and content, then just as quickly I was depressed and resigned. I went about doing some cleaning in my room, but more or less feeling listless. I looked at my workbench, at all the supplies and tools I had to make things, but I didn’t know what to make. I knew what I could make, but I saw no real purpose to it. The house is dark, still, and sullen. All of the lights turned off, leaving only the faint glow of the sun to light the interiors. I felt distinctly like time did not exist, like I was somehow trapped in this twilight zone. Everything had always been this way, and they always would be.

I decided to take the dogs for a second walk. Not to free me of my prison, but more out of pity for these animals that spend their entire lives confined to the house, waiting to die. Gathering up their leashes, I decided to leave my ipod behind. No, this time I wanted silence; no distractions from the act of walking. We stepped outside and the air was warm and still, yet somehow managing not to be oppressive the way the atmosphere crushes you like a heavy blanket. I attached the dogs’ leashes to my belt so as to free my arms from the conscious tugs and pulls they exert upon finding a new and interesting smell. The walk proceeded uneventfully at first, the quiet periodically broken by the chirp of a bird or the crackle of pine straw under my shoe. It was only after a few minutes that an odd feeling came over me. It was dissatisfaction that I could not absorb all the images before me. I was distinctly aware of how my eyes could only focus on one area at a time, leaving the peripherals unexamined.  For some reason this bothered me a great deal. Without thinking I removed my glasses and clipped them neatly onto my shirt.

Being extremely near-sighted the world instantly lost focus, just as I had wanted it to. The trees, the leaves, the clouds, everything was no like a watercolor painting. No longer was there any differentiation between my immediate field of focus and my peripherals. I was free to take it all in. I did so in a detached manner; aware of what I was looking at, yet not being apart of it, like a museum visitor looking at a painting. “Why this world? Why this ‘reality’?” I thought to myself. This whole scenario, the small blue world, our cities, our jobs, our struggles, it’s all starting to get a little tired. Why does it have to be like this? My foot started to hurt, but why should I care? Why should this sensation matter? I kept hoping that my realization of all this, this sensation of stepping out of reality and examining why it was so, would somehow grant me the power to change it with my mind the way you can change a dream when you realize you’re dreaming.

Alas, non of the changes I willed into existence materialized. The fact that I am just a conscious living organism sunk back into my shoulders. Resigned to this powerlessness I enjoyed the show of sparkles that light up the street as the sunbeams hit small specks of quartz, bouncing the light back at me like a disco ball. Nearing the house I closed my eyes briefly, intensely aware of how the sun felt on my face, the smell of the bushes, and the caress of the wind. It was the same feeling of calm you get when watching a movie’s main character sit on a hillside reflecting in quiet upon the great struggle they just overcame. Opening my eyes my bright blue sky lay before me like a great abyss. I felt like I would fall forward into the colors, but alas we were home. Putting on my glasses again, the world came quickly into focus. Once again I felt like I was looking through a porthole out the side of a ship. I entered the dark and solemn house, gave the dogs their treats, and the pact was completed. Back to reality, whatever the hell that is.

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