Gah, I dragged myself out of bed to get my laptop so I could type under the light of the moon outside my window, and now my mind has gone blank. Actually, that was a lie. I remember what I was thinking while I was half falling asleep, right before I forced myself out of bed to get my computer, but I really don’t want to write about it. Why am I doing so? Well I’m hoping putting it all down on paper…er, screen, will help me sort through some of it.
Today was a boring day. I did nothing of consequence today but watch movies with beautiful people in exciting locations. One was an nc-17 film called “The Dreamers”, set in France in the 1950’s during the student riots. I liked the films, but they made me acutely aware of how much I hate my boring life. I want to be some place exciting, some place were things are happening, just like in those movies. I feel like I’m beating around the bush here. This isn’t what I pulled myself out of bed to write about. The topic I’m half-heartedly trying to avoid is death. Well not so much death as life. I’m trying to seriously examine my reasons for living right now. I know that sounds horrible, and it’s why I’m hesitant about writing this, but I want to get this out of my head so I can sleep.
Let me be blunt: I feel the main thing keeping me from killing myself right now is that my parents have spent too much time, money, and energy to get me to this point. There, I said it. It’s ugly, but there it is. All the money for college, dental, clothes, everything, it’d be such a horrible waste if I just killed myself. That and it would devastate them. The fact that my reason revolves around other people scares me. I guess I feel I have a reason not to die, but no reason to live. Thinking about this I realize it sounds insane. I’m ridiculously lucky to be living in the situation I’m in. I have a roof over my head, parents that love me, I have a college degree, I live in a major industrialized country, I’m not disabled, and I don’t have any debt hanging over my head. I know there are billions of people who’d give anything to be in my place. It makes me feel ashamed and selfish for hating my life, but I do.
Every day is the same, it has been for months. Still no job, no direction in life, few friends, plenty of arguments with the parents over jobs and my future, and I’m stuck in a state I hate. I feel trapped. I can’t seem to get a job anywhere outside of the state, and the only jobs in this state are really shitty ones. I feel like if I take a really shitty job just to get money, I’ll have to spend that money later trying to get another degree in order to get a job that will get me the experience I need to land an even better job. By the time I do that, I’ll be in my 30’s. My young and exciting years when I could have been apart of something exciting will be over, and I’ll be alone and leading a pointless existence.
My biggest fear is getting into a situation where I live to work. I have no passions. I used to have great passions, but they’ve burned away. I think that’s the main thing making me feel like I have no reason to keep going. If you’re in the position where you exist only to work at your job, well that’s worse than death. I’d kill myself right away if that were the case. Like I said, I feel bad for how lucky I have it, but those are all material things. So I’m comfortable. That doesn’t matter to me. I want to be doing something, making a difference in a cause I believe in. I’d rather be living in a run down apartment, fighting for a cause with good friends, than in this comfortable solitude, without purpose.
Screw it, I can’t keep my eyes open any longer, I’m going to sleep.