My memory is horrible

16 Aug

My memory is horrible. I can’t remember what I had for breakfast two days ago. If I really think for a moment I can remember what I had yesterday. I think I know why my memory is so bad: I never get a good night’s sleep. I went to a sleep specialist and was diagnosed with moderate sleep apnea (where your oxygen supply is low when you sleep, disrupting when you go into REM sleep) I went on a breathing machine for a few months, but it didn’t really help because of my sinuses. The vast majority of my nights are dreamless. I’m not saying I dream and then just don’t remember, I mean pitch black dreamless. There are nights from time to time when I will have a dream, but forget what it was about when I wake up, but those nights are rare. Most of the time I just close my eyes and after a few moments open them again to another morning. I always wake up more tired that when I went to bed. It’s a horrible and depressing feeling. I suspect this dulls my memory since I never get to “recharge” at night.

There have been moments in life when I was truly happy. Moments like having a good time with some close friends, having something I worked hard on turn out well, or curled up next to someone who really cared about me. At those moments, when I was aware of how happy I was, I would pay extra close attention to all the details so I would remember the moment. I wanted to savor that feeling and bottle it forever so I could pull it out on a rainy day. The problem is, I can’t remember. I can’t remember any of it and it breaks my heart. I have “memories” but they’re mere images, and I have strong reason to suspect they’re images I’ve made up based on what I think my memory should be.

It’s all like the knowledge of taste. I know what a strawberry tastes like. I know what steak tastes like. I know what being curled up next to a lover on a Saturday morning feels like. I just can’t remember specific moments I’ve experienced these things and the subtle differences that made them specific.

The other problem is how we’re always living in the present. I eat pretty fast compared to other people. I often hear “Slow down, savor your food.” Why? What’s the point? I’m not going to remember eating it. So I feel good now while eating, that’ll be gone and forgotten the moment I’m done; like it never existed. When I was a 10, I would imagine what being 18 would be like. Before I knew what happened, I was 18. That was over 4 years ago. Yes there were 8 years in between then and when I turned 18, but I don’t remember experiencing them. (Sure I have images here and there of specific moments while growing up, but I don’t feel like I’ve experienced 8 years time.) Right now I’m wondering what being 36 will feel like. Before I know it, I’ll be 36. Sure I have 14  years to go, but when I’m 36 I won’t remember how it felt to live those 14 years.  Then I’ll be 54, then 73, then dead and I won’t remember a damn thing. I’m constantly living in the present, whether I like it or not; always aware of the here and now, but never the past. I really wish I had a better memory.

3 Responses to “My memory is horrible”

  1. teo August 17, 2010 at 3:50 am #

    I really have no idea why this post appeared in my incoming links, but I can relate to you on this very good.

    Sometimes I feel like I have no childhood – we never had a camera, there are no pictures, I have some memories, but they are like short blurry moments, more like feelings than stories, the memories of my brother seem to be very different than mine…

    It’s confusing from time to time, but it’s also kind of a good quality, because you forget the bad things faster too 😉

  2. godlesspaladin August 17, 2010 at 7:33 pm #

    (No idea why it showed up on incoming links either <.<) As for forgetting the bad memories, I wish that were so. It seems like the one thing I do remember are moments I regret. I remember stupid things I said or did, and how I should have said X or done Y, and these intrusive thoughts pop into my head completely at random. I have no control over it and I would always beat myself up for things that I'm pretty sure only I remember. I'm trying to tell myself something positive every time a thought like that occurs to me, but it's pretty hard 😦

  3. teo August 18, 2010 at 4:21 am #

    Here you have something positive to say yourself when a thought like that comes up: “Well, at least you’ve memorized that, so now you can learn from it, well done memory ;)”

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