It’s hard to be true to yourself

1 Aug

The past few months have been a major life changer for me. I graduate college, move to another state, and lose my girlfriend of almost three years. On top of that, right before I graduate I realize that I no longer love the subject I was studying as passionately as I once did. Everything I’ve worked for and built, everything that I thought I could count on, shattered. So I’ve been rebuilding.

I guess you could call me a late bloomer, but I never really figured out who I was until recently. I know most people work that out in the angsty highschool years, or at least have a good idea by their sophomore year in college, but not me. Trying to figure out who I am took all the way up until I graduated college.

The hardest thing about being true to yourself is other people. I’ve lost a lot of friends in my quest to figure out who I am. There are times when I feel horribly and utterly alone. Other people, whether consciously or subconsciously, are constantly projecting on you what they want you to be like. A good friend respects you for who you are and doesn’t seek to change you. Needless to say, they’re hard to find.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m finding not many people like me for who I am. If they’ve known me for a while, they’re usually surprised. All throughout growing up I was a doormat. People could push me over, walk on me, I never stood up for myself. I was always quick to try and please. When I met people I would try and be like a chameleon, I would change to suit the environment. If that meant hiding or lying about parts of myself to fit in, so be it.

I don’t do that anymore.

I know who I am now, and I won’t bend. I just wish more people liked me, that my views and core beliefs were not so unpopular, that people could appreciate me. I wish I had friends.

Sometimes you just have to do what you know to be right, even when everyone else around you thinks you’re wrong. I know that’s cliche, but it’s cliche for a reason. At the end of the day you can escape other people, but you always have to live with yourself.

3 Responses to “It’s hard to be true to yourself”

  1. Sterling August 1, 2010 at 6:52 pm #

    I stumbled upon your page quite randomly. As I read through your blogs and heard your rants and raves about your hate for religion I could mostly agree… except the fact that you put so much effort into that hate. Let it go man. Yes, the world is full of less than intelligent people, but it shouldn’t be a concern, especially if you yourself are very bright.

    You also had many references to reason, logic, and rationality and, from the looks of it a sincere belief that those are the prime guiding lines for your life. That I can agree with completely.

    I have but one suggestion: read Atlas Shrugged. If you have ever wanted to appreciate another person’s ability to believe in reason, logic, and rationality, all while being a complete atheist, I suggest you pick it up. Forget all the Republican pundits and their supporting of it (they forever seem to forget that she does not believe in any sort of God). For me Atlas Shrugged showed me how to always do what is right regardless of the others that may be watching. It also taught me how to become passionate about life and helped me find greater purpose. And from the sound of this post, you seem to be on a similar search.

    Good hunting.

  2. godlesspaladin August 1, 2010 at 8:00 pm #

    Hey Sterling, thanks for the nice comment. I will pick up that book and check it out. As for the hate towards religion, it’s more that I hate the suffering it causes for people. I would be “meh” about it, but i care too much, and watching these people fuck over other people’s lives and try to use big government to force their way on others who want to be left alone bugs me. (Not to mention that many of them are eagerly awaiting the destruction of the world, and with the advent of nuclear weapons…well self-fulfilling prophecy is a bitch.)

  3. thisisnessie August 3, 2010 at 12:27 pm #

    Hey you 🙂
    Is it ok if I say I’m really glad you wrote this post, even though the content shows that you’ve been having a hard time? It’s just that this is something I really identify with, and I feel what you’re talking about. I’m sorry to hear about your girlfriend 😦
    I can relate to the feeling like you need a fresh start with everything, especially discovering that what you’ve studied isn’t what you want for your life. I did things pretty much the same way – I think you and I are alike in that. I never knew what I wanted to do, and just went with the flow. Now I’m trying to set some goals and bit by bit change my life.
    I’ve also been really lonely since becoming an atheist – when I think of it, I was still lonely in a lot of ways as Christian, particularly because I still held some avenues of thought that were not easily accepted by the rest of the church community, but now it’s even more difficult because a great majority of the people in my life (whom I love) share beliefs in stark contrast with my own. I often feel like I have to be quiet for the sake of peace, or that I’d push away people even more than I have by the contrasting views I have managed to express.
    I also felt like a doormat when I was younger, and throughout my deconversion, and I guess that feeling of being supressed in just not having someone to share my views with and be open with has made me resentful and angry. How do I keep my friendships, or really, any social life at all here, when I can’t be who I am openly?
    I completely identify and agree that sometimes you have to make the unpopular decisions in order to be true to yourself, regardless of the consequences, like losing friends. It’s a move I made knowingly when I became an atheist, and I believe it’s the mark of someone with integrity and regard for truth.
    I must say that I’ve also realised (any maybe you will consider it since my situation has so many similarities to yours) that in the process of this whole thing I’ve been carrying around a lot of anger and resentment for the shackles that I feel placed in by others. I’ve realised that doing this will just make me sick, if life isn’t already hard and lonely enough. I’m starting to be more careful about my battles, for example, seeing if there really is opportunity for a good outcome in a conversation about something I care about before I try, and accepting that the outcome might be frustrating and not what I want. It’s about weighing things up.
    I’m hoping to move to New Zealand some time in the next couple of years, and I can’t wait to be around more people who share my viewpoints. I am craving a fresh start.
    I saw your other post about moving away from the US – where are you thinking of going to?

    We’re already friends on Facebook, but we haven’t spoken too much – if you just need to vent or have a chat, I’d be happy to talk. I think I can have empathy for your situation.

    Good luck on making moves to be more of yourself all the time. 🙂

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