The past few months have been a major life changer for me. I graduate college, move to another state, and lose my girlfriend of almost three years. On top of that, right before I graduate I realize that I no longer love the subject I was studying as passionately as I once did. Everything I’ve worked for and built, everything that I thought I could count on, shattered. So I’ve been rebuilding.
I guess you could call me a late bloomer, but I never really figured out who I was until recently. I know most people work that out in the angsty highschool years, or at least have a good idea by their sophomore year in college, but not me. Trying to figure out who I am took all the way up until I graduated college.
The hardest thing about being true to yourself is other people. I’ve lost a lot of friends in my quest to figure out who I am. There are times when I feel horribly and utterly alone. Other people, whether consciously or subconsciously, are constantly projecting on you what they want you to be like. A good friend respects you for who you are and doesn’t seek to change you. Needless to say, they’re hard to find.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m finding not many people like me for who I am. If they’ve known me for a while, they’re usually surprised. All throughout growing up I was a doormat. People could push me over, walk on me, I never stood up for myself. I was always quick to try and please. When I met people I would try and be like a chameleon, I would change to suit the environment. If that meant hiding or lying about parts of myself to fit in, so be it.
I don’t do that anymore.
I know who I am now, and I won’t bend. I just wish more people liked me, that my views and core beliefs were not so unpopular, that people could appreciate me. I wish I had friends.
Sometimes you just have to do what you know to be right, even when everyone else around you thinks you’re wrong. I know that’s cliche, but it’s cliche for a reason. At the end of the day you can escape other people, but you always have to live with yourself.