Hey everybody. As you might have noticed, I haven’t posted in a while. Last Saturday was my graduation from college. I was already nervous about it and then the Thursday before I got a call from my mother that my grandmother, the only one I have left, had cancer. My grandmother was subsequently hospitalized and could not make it to my graduation. My parents came up, my mother was extremely stressed, and we went through the motions. Afterwards we packed up all of my things into a little U-haul and I lost my academic hood.
One of the most difficult things for me was having my sanctuary, my little apartment room, invaded and packed away. My parent’s didn’t mean to “invade” it, and I’m not upset at them for it, but still, it was my little space where I could feel secure. Having to pack it all away without regard to the memories I have in that room hurt. And so I left my home of four years, my girlfriend of nearly three years, and both my best friends to drive down to a state I hate to visit my favorite, and last, grandparent who was now dying of pancreatic cancer.
Here I have no friends, no job, nothing. I don’t even have a space of my own. I’ve been moving around from room to room in the house, depending on where each uncle is going to sleep. One night I was in the frog over the garage, now I’m in my sister’s room. (She left for VaBch) All of my belongings are packed in boxes, cold in the garage. I have only some clothes and my computer that I move from room to room. I’m all alone here, and my parents are really stressed out. We don’t get along well normally, and now everything is really straining.
I want to get a job, what type of job, I don’t know. I want my own apartment, someplace I can feel safe and decorate. Getting a job takes time, and unfortunately that’s time I don’t have. My dad just lost his job, and so now he’s looking for a new one. He flew up to NY to network, but we’re thinking his best lead is in Dallas, TX. Years and years of work and he’s right back to where he started. It’s not fair. Nothing is. Regardless, we’re being kicked out of our house on July 15th. Our rent period runs out then and the people we rent from want to sell the house. I have no idea where I will be after that date. It kinda makes getting a job hard when you don’t know where in the country you will be in the next month. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s being alone.
While all this is going on, I’m trying desperately to start my life. I’m just now starting to figure out who I am. I realize that there will always be people who disagree with me, there will always be people who criticize me. The only thing I can do is try, try to not take it personally, which is very hard, and decide if their criticism is valid or not. I would really like to have a fun and adventurous job in some distant country. I’m thinking about gradschool a few years down the line. Getting my master’s in political science might help me get that job. The problem is they say that you should have a job that’s relevant to what you want to study before you apply to gradschool. The other day I applied for a management job at Waffle House…. The economy is so bad I can’t afford to be picky. I just hope I get a job that will help me get into gradschool.
My world is falling apart and I’m alone. I even started posting in the “strictly platonic” section of Craigslist, just so I could have somebody to talk to, maybe even go see a movie with. No luck. I’m just so scared that I’m going to get a job at the Home Depot and be stuck there for years. I’ll be working at a shitty place for too long and gradschools won’t take me. I’ll be passed over in favor of new, fresher graduates who enter a better economy.
I’d really like a job that would make me feel like I’m contributing to the good of the world, but it’s a little hard to focus on that when you’re not sure if humanity is worth saving.