On a personal note…

11 Jul

It’s almost 6 in the morning and I have yet to sleep, though I know I won’t be able to until I get this down. Why the hell do all my best thoughts come to my as I’m lying on my bed, too tired to write, and nowhere near a computer, only to have those thoughts run blank when I sit down to the keyboard….

This will be a long post, so please bear with me. Lets cut to the chase shall we? I feel like I have no control over my life. This was a revelation my girlfriend brought about. Ever since then things have started making  more and more sense, yet now that I know what the problem is I don’t know what to do about it.

I guess I’ve always had an issue with control. Not the “I need the TV remote” or “I don’t want you talking to those people” kind of control, no, this was something different. I think it first started showing up af family reunions when I was a kid. I always had to go, and nobody took me seriously. I wasn’t allowed to do anything, and I always had to sit at the kiddy table. Since then I’ve always wanted to be older. When I was 10 I wanted to be 12, when I was 12 I wanted to be 16, 16, 18, 18, 21, 21, 23.

People kept telling me “Aw, you’ll regret wanting to be older, enjoy being a kid!” You know what? They were fucking wrong! I love being older! This too has to do with control. With each new age came more control, less restrictions, more potential actions.

When I was 18 and no longer bound by city curfew, I would sometimes go out to late night movies by myself. At the time I just felt like it, but looking back on it, this was a control issue. I did this because I subconsciously wanted to show myself that I had control over my movements. I want to go see a really late movie? Fine, then I will! A lot of things were like this for me.

For the longest time I’ve had the feeling that I was walking on the ocean floor. There was constantly all this pressure and SO much resistance to me doing anything. Here’s a good example: In a week’s time I will be leaving for Newcastle England. The fact that I’m going on this trip is amazing given all the little shit that tried to stop me from going. All the things that tried to keep me from going were beyond my control.

First I had to find a program. After a few days of looking I found one at Newcastle University that looked promising. After that I had to try and convince my parents to shell out $3,000. Once that was accomplished I had to find out if I could get credit through my college. (This is where the bullshit starts) To do this there were a lot of hoops I had to jump through. I had to criss-cross campus going from one person to the next to get the required signatures. I never knew it would be so much work to study abroad for 3 weeks! After everything was done, money paid, I had one signature left to get, that of the dean’s.

Now, I thought this would be a piece of cake. I knew the dean personally, and I was one of his preferred students. He was aware of my trip and thought it was a cool plan. Now, it is important to know that by the time all of this is done, it is literally the last few days of school. There was nothing I could do to make this process go any faster, it depended on other people. Anyways, I finally find the dean and try to get him to sign. He informs me that he is no longer the dean as of 9am that morning, that his term of acting dean was up seeing as the actual dean had returned, a lady I did not know.

I waited 4 hours for her the next day. I was at a bottleneck and getting desperate. I needed her signature for this trip. I left the form with her student assistant, but the assistant left the next day. I found my form at the bottom of a pile of papers in her assistant’s office. I tried to knock on her door to get her to sign (it would have taken 3 seconds) but she slammed the door shut in my face as she was with another lady.

I was fucked. I left the paper with the study abroad manager and told him what happened. I’m about to leave and I still have no idea if I got the signature. And it’s not like it was my fault for waiting till the last minute to get this done! I did everything as soon as I could, but seeing how everything depended on other people, I had no control over it. All that work, time, effort, and money, only to have one person fuck me over.

Next I found out I had to get a student visa. That also had a lot of hoops I had to jump though. I had to get all the forms in order, pay them $244, and go get my fingerprints taken. When all that was done I had to mail the packet of forms to the British Consulate in California, the other side of the country from Virginia. Again, I did everything as soon as I could, but even by then it was cutting it close to the wire. I get an e-mail saying my visa requires further review. Fucked. Now there is no way in hell my visa will get here in time for my trip. $244 down the drain, and I might be turned away at the gates.

Walking through water….This is a big example, but it can be as small as needing a pencil, only to reach for one and knock it off my desk. So much resistance to me doing anything.

pressureThis is just one example, I have many more. Most of the time I just feel like I’m up the creek without a paddle. My desperate thrashing in an attempt to influence my direction is nothing more than a futile waste of energy.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be like this. I want to get better, I want to have control. This theme also creeps into my dreams!

There are 2 recurring themes in my dreams. Either I’m being hunted by something and I’m trying to escape, or I try to fight back and everything I do is ineffective. Just last night I had a dream where some guy came and murdered my entire family. The twist was it that the event kept repeating like the movie groundhog day. Each time I would try to kill or trick the bag guys, and each time I would fail. Most notable was that my gun never worked. Yes, I had a gun that I would try and use to shoot the bag guys before they murdered everyone, but it would either never fire, or the bullets would land harmlessly 3 feet from the gun, like little pellets.

I would try everything, but the gun would not work! Also, for some reason I kept trying to load AA batteries into my gun’s chamber. This isn’t the first time I’ve done this in a dream, I don’t know why the hell I do it. They don’t fire. So each time I would fail and each time everybody would die…

One Response to “On a personal note…”

  1. isnessie July 13, 2009 at 1:10 am #

    Scary dreams! I think it’s normal to feel out of control, purely because there is so much we can’t be in control of. I was actually thinking about this myself this weekend. I realised that the reason I am so utterly terrified of going to hospital has nothing to do with being ill. Mostly it has to do with the idea of being unable to, whether by procedure or by being knocked out, have any control over what happens to me and my body.

    Sucks about the trip and everything that went wrong, I totally get that feeling of Murphy hiding behind every corner waiting to fuck things up (with an inordinate amount of glee, to complete the paranoia). I wonder if sometimes we don’t sabotage things ourselves in the most subtle of ways, because of that underlying nervous fear.

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